I drove as fast and insane as i could. I tried to understand her point of view but for God’s sake, what did she really expect me to do when she told that i had a daughter whom i had never knew, until now? I was not sure what i felt most: confusion, anger, shock kept swirling in the bottom of my stomache and i wanted to spit it all out. I would have yelled if she did not look so small. Her face was as white as a sheet, her eyes widened with fear as i took the corners as insane as i could. A few times, she begged to me to slow down but it just frustrated me more! How could she not tell me?!

I did not know where i was driving actually until i found myself turn off the engine in front of my house. Yes great, i took her to my house. I did not know what i was doing anymore. I just needed to chill down a bit or i would end up hurting her. Though she had hurt me now like no other, i did not really want to hurt her. She was pressing her back to the seat in fear, clenching her chin not to scream, clenching her hands on the packets, blinking to fight back her tears. I unbuckled myself and got out. I did not care what she would do, i slammed the door shut and unlocked the door of my house. I tossed my keys on the counter and climbed the stairs. I took off my shirt and knelt in front of the tube. I turned on the water and placed my head under the cold water. The water hit me on top of my brain and i finally felt a bit chilled. I felt still mad at her; i truly could hurt her so easily or worse kill her. I wanted to hear the whole story before i would do or say something stupid. I needed some space and time to chill.

I do not know how long i stood there, under the cold water but everything felt like a blur after she told me the most painful truth of my life. I lost my focus on everything else; it numbed me so much. I wanted to understand what i could not understand. My hands were two fists on the tube until i heard a sound: Something fell and shattered. I turned off the water and rushed downstairs, water dropping all around. I glanced around until i saw her on my kitchen. She was staring on the floor and i walked to her, she was shivering. ‘‘I…, i am sorry, it slipped through my hand…i did not mean to break…” she began to mutter and knelt down to pick up the pieces of the broken glass. I glanced down to her then back to the counter. She was trying to heat what we have bought when she broke the stupid glass. ”It is just a fucking glass,” i cursed and i grabbed her arm toughly. I snapped her up, caught her by her waist and set her on top of the counter as if she was nothing. She was taken back and scarred, she began to tremble more as i told her that now it was time for us to talk. Her mouth parted and she caught my gaze, not knowing where to start or what to say. I pulled the chair nearby and i put it backwards and sat on it. ”You should start from somewhere Seren, make sure you start from the beginning,” i said coldly and she closed her mouth, pressing her lips together and clenching her hands into small fists near her hips. I was never so rude to her but i was beyond frustrated. She took a gulp and straightened her back a bit. ”I was pregnant when we left the town,” she said quietly and i went mad. I lost my temper and i knocked down the chair, i walked to her and i punched the sides of the counter on where she was sitting. ”HOW COULD YOU NOT TELL ME SEREN? WHAT AM I? YOUR SPERM DONOR? YOUR HOT STUD? HOW CAN YOU HURT ME LIKE THAT SEREN? WALK INTO MY LIFE YEARS LATER AND ASK FOR FORGIVENCE AND TELL ME THAT I HAVE A DAUGHTER?’‘ i began to yell at her. She was crying now, i was not sure if it was because of fear or irritation. I wanted damn answers from her, not her tears. I ran my hand through her hair, caught the back of her hair and i forced her face up. ”Look at me Seren and tell me that is is some kind of stupid 1 April joke,” i said between my teeth and she stared at my eyes through her watery eyes. Her lashes seemed darker and her eyes were as green as grasses. I took a gulp and dropped my hand from her hair. All i could do see was her fear and what i looked like, a cold-blood killer. I rubbed my eyes with one hand to calm down-it was impossible. I took a sigh, cursed between my teeth and took out a beer from the fridge. I cracked the can open and took a big sip. I licked my lips then turned back to her. She was still on top of the counter like a statue; if it was another time, it could make me laugh. ”Let’s sit on the sofa, it shall make us calmer,” i finally spoke with a normal voice and she nodded without any moves. I frowned to her, sitting my beer down. ”Do you hear me Seren or are you in some kind of shock?” i asked to her, standing beside her. Her fury gaze found mine and she gritted her teeth in annoyance. I raised a brow to her, almost taunting and she growled to me. ‘‘I do not fell my legs you idiot,” she growled to me and i smirked to her, holding her from the waist to set her down. ”I remember some times when this words sounded sweeter,” i taunted her and she slapped me the moment i set her on her feet. ”I am not like these models and whores you keep banging Allois,” she hissed to me and turned on her toes to walk. Then she swayed and i caught her behind before she could fall. ”I am not like that, i was actually a killer in the army Seren so when you think to taunt me the next time Seren, i advise you to think twice for your own sake,’‘ i hissed back to her ear as i pressed my whole body on her back in annoyance. Then i led her go suddenly and she almost fell; i did not catch her this time. My left cheek was still burning with pain. I took out the beer pack and walked to the sofa and sat on the edge, followed by her.

She sat on the other edge, facing me. Her face was red like a tomato and her make-up was smudged badly. Her eyes were now bluish since she stopped crying. She took a sip of her beer then pressed the can to her wrist where i hurt her earlier today. ”The story is easy Allois. I did not even know i was pregnant. My mother took me to annual check-in and when she found out that i was pregnant, we moved away from you so i could give birth to the baby and start a new life. At first, i did not go to the school for a few months then when i gave birth, they kept telling everyone that it was my sister. Then things continued like that until i finished the high school. I tried to reach you many times but your father told me that you were in the army. Then i thought you were dead or something since it had been years from no news from you. Then i saw you on the newspaper and i told Hannah who you were and she wants to meet you. So here i am in short,” she summarized the situation as easy as she could. I knew that a tic on my jaw was working. If  one thing army could teach me, then it was self-control and this was what kept me from hurting Seren right now: self-control.

I shook my head to sides, unwilling to believe in all these things happening. There were these rare times when i wanted to have a family of my own but considering my real job, it was just a dream. Yet, here i was; with my first and only love of my life and her-my daughter. I guess i could not be more screwed than that. Seren lightly touched my arm as she said Hannah was ready to take a DNA test in case i wanted. Did i want it? I just wanted some time and space to think, to chill, to analyze and decide how to proceed. I shrugged to Seren and finished my beer. Then i jolted on my feet, [I]”I shall take you back to home,”[/I] i said and she looked at me as if i was nuts. She sighed, pressed her lips together in annoyance and yet, folllowed me to my car.

I drove slowly and as sane as i could on the way back. Meanwhile, both of us did not say a single word. I guess we were said and done-in all meanings.

And there i was..sitting on the sofa with a blank expression on my face, i was noticing that Seren kept me shocking each time i hear her. I swallowed hardly, Seren had a daughter. She was probably married, for God’s sake, what else could i expect? We have dated only for what, 8 months?

I grit my teeth and pushed myself up. I needed some coffee right now, some coffee to make my brain work things out. I walked to the kitchen and switched on the coffee machine. I sat on the chair, running a hand through my hair. Now it did not feel so right to meet with Seren. There was no denial in what i was, a jerk and this jerk loved to play with the ladies. It suddenly felt so wrong to meet with Seren, what would his husband think about her? Did she tell him about me? ”An old friend,” was may be what she had said about me. I sighed, rubbing a hand to my chin. I would have my manners, yes, i would do this. I would act like a gentleman, i could do it really. My mind was set after the coffee. I finished my coffee then went to my laptop and searched this place Seren spoke about. Did i ever say that i loved Googleearth? Hell , i loved it.

It was just twelve when i was standing in front of the restaurant that she had mentioned. I was leaning my back to my car, a nice black truck, i was looking around for her behind my dark sunglasses. It was five minutes later when someone pulled my arm. I turned quickly, ripping my arm from the grip as a reflex and when i noticed what i was doing, i was just too late. I ended up with hurting Seren’s wrist as i shook her arm off harshly. ”Sorry, i did not mean this,” i apologized as i held her tiny wrist. It was getting red, ”You need to put some ice on that, sorry for it,” i apologized again. She took her wrist out of my grip and shook her head to sides, her raven hair swaying around her face, ”It is fine, i know that you did not do it on purpose,” she said and gestured the restaurant to me with her other hand, ”Are you hungry?” she asked and i nodded to her with a smirk, ”I only had some coffee this morning,” i answered her. Her brows knitted together as she tilted her head to stare at me, her mouth opened as if she was going to say something but she just closed her mouth and nodded to me then walked into the place.

I followed her inside. The place was small and it was mostly decorated in browns, boring. I sat across her, not bothering to hold her chair for her. It felt weird to touch her, to be around her. So like  a sack of potatoes, i sunk to the chair across her and removed my sunglasses. ”How is your wrist? Does it ache?” i asked, placing the sunglasses on the table. She gave me a reassuring smile, picked up the menu, ”I am fine, i did not mean to scare you either,” she apologized as well. For a reason, this ”Scare-you-off” term boiled my blood, i held my tongue not to say something, i just nodded my head to her. She was looking at the menu and i was staring at her. She was wearing a blue dress, a checkered one, she looked so pretty, her make-up a light touch to her pretty face, her hair wild around her face. ”Allois,” she woke me up from daydreaming, ”What will you have?” she asked, raising her head from the menu. I was staring at her hands, she was wearing no rings. May be she was one of the persons who never liked o wear a wedding ring, claiming it to be like some sort of dog-chain. ”A steakburger, fries and Coke,” i answered her automatically and she gave me a look, pointing the menu with her eyes, ‘‘You did not even check the menu yet,” she reminded me and smiled, ”This place makes delicious homemade dishes,” she added, staring at my hands. Though she did not tell it openly, i understood her questioning tone, after all i was curious about her too! ‘‘I do not like homemade stuff much,”i shrugged to her and smirked, ”i am not married either, not a relationship type of man,” i said honestly so she knew what to expect. Her smile faded away for a second but then she smiled again, ”It is easy to guess that, if i were you, i would not want to be tied up t one girl when i was surrounded by many models,” she giggled and looked down to the menu. The waitress came to get our orders, Seren ordered lentil soup, meatballs, rice and salad for herself and i went along my fixed order. ”It is not like that actually, i just do not like the idea of being tied up,” i responded to her comment on models, i could swear that her voice tingled with jealousy but it was not, ”What about you? Married?”  i asked with a calm voice and she sighed, ”Never married but i have a daughter, you heard her on the phone this morning,” she paused and licked her lips nervously, ”Actually this was what i wanted to speak with you, Hannah,” she spoke, shifting on her chair. I could tell that this conversation was not going to a good place, i tensed, keeping my expression flat for her. ”I am listening to you,” i urged her, taking a sip of my Coke. ”She is young,” she said, brushing a lock of her hair out of her eyes. ”And?” i asked, raising a brow to her. ”She is your daughter Allois,” she whispered under her breathe, looking down to her lap, her cheeks flushed. I flushed as well but because of anger. I counted down silently, i counted till twenty to calm down but it did not work. She just dropped the bomb and i was going to explode. ”Why do you tell me this now, Seren? Not before, why now?” i asked with a cold voice as i glared upon her. ”I could not tell it before, i tried to reach you many times but you were like lost when you joined the army, i could not find any address or phone number to reach you,” she said, raising her head and fiddling with her nails, ”Then you began to show up in shows and Hannah knows that you are her father, she wanted to meet you so here we are,” she summarized the situation very well. I did not know how to react, what to say. I was beyond mad, how could she take away my daughter, keep her away and then say it so randomly right now? I had always loved Seren but right now, i could kill her. I felt a tic start on my jaw and i rose on my feet quickly, ”I need some fresh air, i will be back,” i excused myself and rushed outside.

I walked to my car straightly and leant my back on the vehicle. I wiped my hands to my face, how could all of these happen? If i did not know Seren, i would think that she was lying to get money from me and use my fame. But i knew her, she was not someone to use others. I tried to think straight but i could not. A part of me wanted to choke Seren right now, right here for taking away my daughter and a part of me wanted to apologize for not being there when she needed me. I led out a growl and kicked the tire. Damn it, i knew that i had a soft spot for her. With a frown set on my face, i walked back to the place and sat across her again. Her eyes were watery and red right now, she did not raise her gaze from her soup, she was now avoiding my gaze. ”How old is she?” i asked and poked the table for her attention, ”You need to tell me the whole story Seren, how about you finish your dinner quickly and we go somewhere where we can actually talk?” i added rudely. She pressed her lips together as she waved the waitress to package our orders. We both did not talk, i paid for the meal, she said nothing. Then i walked to my truck, she followed me with the packages in her hand. I opened my door and sat inside, fishing for the keys in my pocket. Silently she climbed up and i began driving.

”Allois! We can not wait for you for hours!” i heard the director shout at me with his megaphone. I was still standing there, looking after Seren like a puppy. I had the urge to bark now, yes, sure, why not? How long had it been since she left? Five minutes? Ten minutes? Fifteen minutes? I lost the track of time, i was still standing at the spot where i had grabbed her arm and tried to apologize. I rarely felt this way, shocked. So shocked that i could not even move a muscle! This was what happened, i was shocked to see her.

Seren…The prettiest girl of my class, she was pretty and smart. Sensitive and stubborn. She was the first girl i had ever dated. She was the only witness of my clumsy-self, i used to get clumsy around her always. She used to giggle at me whenever i was clumsy. It was only thirteen or fourteen years ago, it felt like ages. I could remember how she used to laugh, how she giggled, how she played with her hair when she was feeling nervous, how she blushed…I could remember every detail about her and it felt weird. I had never noticed these details before, i could swear that my mind was playing with me today.

With a growl set upon my face, i walked back to the street where they waited for me. Everyone was staring at me and i pushed the paper inside the pocket of the jeans. ”Here i am, let’s get this shot done,” i smirked to the director and i stepped between the models. Their make-up was fresh, their hair were fixed and they were still whispering about these bags. I could not help myself but to gave them both a look, an annoyed one. ”You have some red lipstick on your teeth sweety,” i addressed to the redhead, ”If i were you, i would keep my mouth unless you wanna get called as red-teeth from now on,” i whispered to her and she pinched my skin angrily. I did not look down to meet her fiercy glare, after all who cared about her annoyance? She was talking too much and talking too much about useless shit. I knew that she was staring at my face to make me feel her glares but i did not look down to meet her gaze, instead, i kept my head high and smirked to her, mocking with her. And that was how they did the shot.

When i got home, it was almost midnight. I took off my clothes once i locked the door behind me, i threw my clothes all around. I wanted to think straight as soon as possible, i did not like myself if i could not control the flow of my thoughts. I was thinking about Seren for hours, was she married? Did she have any children? What was her job, where did she leave? Did she leave with her family? I had a million questions, i had to get my answers. I was mostly curious about marriage, was she married? She should’ve been married, i would have been married if i was not such a jerk. I was a jerk and i liked it. When i had thought about it, Seren was the only girl i had ever cared for. May be because i had lost her too early…We were dating with her for months and one morning i woke up and she was gone. I never could find her and it left me feeling just callous.

I showered for some time, for long enough to relax my tensed muscles. After five minutes, i was sitting in my living-room, phone in my hand, her number on the coffee table. It was almost 1 am, too late to call her. If she had a husband, what could i possibly tell the man in case he answered my call? ”I was just wondering if Seren was married, could not wait the morning to ask to her,” could i tell these? I could because i always kept telling right things to push on other’s buttons. When you stay in the army for so long, it is something you learn and do repeatedly. I was thinking about us, how we used to love each other, do everything together when i fell asleep on the sofa.

I woke up in sweat, almost screaming. I could not remember my dream but it was not much pleasant and i had this weird feeling that it was about Seren. I furrowed my brows as i took my head between my hands. I thought about my dream, i wanted to remember what it was. It was 6 am in the morning, it was chilly. I was sitting on the sofa with a towel wrapped around my waist. All the muscles on my back were tensed, i felt a tic start on my jaw once i managed to recall my dream. It was about Seren as i sensed, we were in a place like woods, we were walking hand in hand when someone shot her. I felt desperation as she fell between my arms. Her bluish eyes were accusing me for her pain, she was dieing and stumbling to talk. I was screaming in anguish, i was screaming out her name when i woke up. Seren…Was she in danger? She could be, i decided. This was one of the reasons of why i had never got into a serious relationship. This job, being a hired soldier or a hit man, was not a joke, i guess i never wanted to hurt someone because of me. My hand dialed her number in a rush before i knew what i was doing. Like an animal, i was acting on the first instincts: survival. ”Seren?” i choked up her name when i heard the click on the other end of the line. She recognized my voice quickly and she sensed the panic in my voice. ”Is something wrong Allois?” she answered me with a curious voice and i relaxed, she was fine, i knew it from the way she pronounced my name, she probably did not notice that but she had played with my name like she used to, emphasizing the ”ll”s. ”No, nothing wrong, i just…” i breathed and cleared my throat, ”Are you free today?” i asked nervously as i waited to hear a male voice in the background. Tick-tock, no male voice. ”Sure,” she said with a firm voice, ”How about a lunch? I will be free between 12 and 1, is it okay for you?” she asked. I could hear the voices she was making in the background, she was washing something, cutting something. ”It is fine for me, where do we meet?” i asked when i heard another voice. ”Mum, i can not find my maths book!” another female voice called to Seren and i heard a dial sound, Seren took me to hold! I felt my mouth open, Seren had a daughter? A young one? I tried to breathe in and out, she was married, i should have known it really. I was still breathing loudly when i heard Seren speak again. ”Are you there Allois?” she asked unsure and i swallowed my salvia hardly, ”Yep, here,” i nodded my head to her as a gest as if she could see me, ”‘You were going to tell the place i guess,‘ i managed to talk rationally and she ‘ooooh-’ed, ”Ohhhhh, i forgot, how about this restaurant near the elementary school?” she asked and then paused, ”Allois, do you know Burton? A small town near the place you were…” she was trying to explain when i interrupted her, ”I know that place, i will be there in time Seren,” i said sharply and we closed up. Now i would have to collect myself and learn where the hell she was talking about…

I do not like modeling, not at all. It does not make me feel comfortable when people keep staring at my body. Ask these women how many scars i have on my face or the color of my eyes, they would not be able to answer. My face is not where they are looking at, they are watching my chest, my abs hungrily like wolves. They will not gain anything. Not today, not tomorrow.

It is hard to focus when you are doing a model shot in somewhere accessible to the public, people rushes to you as if bugs to the honey. This was what was going on right now, the street was over-crowded and i was not feeling comfortable. Nobody could know how i felt because my face was expressionless as always. It was gonna be a poster for a big jeans brand, i was supposed to pose with two girls. They were both on her knees, pretending to claw at my jeans as i just looked cool. The models were beautiful, a redhead with green eyes and a blondie with blue eyes. They were chatting together when we gave a small break. I needed to get away from these two for a while, i could not handle any other single word about the new bags of Gucci, Versace and etc. So i excused myself and walked to the back of the set. I fiddled with the robe i was wearing, i tied it up before i lit a cigarette. I needed to relax a bit, i was too tense today. Something would happen, i was sure of it but what would happen? I had already spent the whole day waiting.

I did not have to wait so long, i felt the hairs on my neck raise when a female voice called my voice suspiciously. The voice came behind me and i turned to face the female with my cigarette on my lips. I did not expect it. Her bluish-green eyes caught my gaze when i turned my face. She looked unsure, her lips pressed tightly, her eyes narrowed, her hands on her sides, fiddling with the pocket of her jeans. I never noticed that i was holding my breath, not until she spoke again. ”Won’t you say anything?” she asked in disappointment, she knew that i recognized her, i would recognize these eyes everywhere on earth. I wanted to give a smile to her but when i opened my lips, i dropped the cigarette and ended up with coughing with the lack of oxygen. Like a dumbass, i was staring at her and she was staring back at me. Her eyes were focused on my face, she was just examining me, how i have changed in all these years. I followed her eyes, trailing on my face, looking at the scars. ”Hello Seren,” i said to pull her attention back to myself when her eyes were lowered to my lips; she was looking at the scar on my lip, i knew it already but i could not help myself to tease her. She smiled back to me as i said her name, she walked to me, her hand extended. ”I was not sure you would recognize me, long time no see Allois,” she said with a giggly voice. I shook my head to her in disagreement and i stared directly into her eyes when i held her small hand and shook it, ”I would know these eyes anywhere on earth, not blue, not green but blue if you ask me,” i replied her with a smirk and let her hand go. She bit her bottom lip to hide her smile, i noticed that she still looked adorable with these dimples on her cheeks. ”Green,” she said stubbornly and paused as if she was gonna tell me something unpleasant. I raised a brow to her, snubbing the cigarette under my feet, ”Sooo,” i said catching her gaze again, ”what brings you here?” i asked in curiosity. I did not mean to sound rude but i did sound rude. Disappointment made her smile fade away from her lips and she sighed. ”I came here because we need to talk,” she said firmly, tilting her chin up to me as if to mean that she was not affected with my rude manners. I glanced around then lowered my face to hers, ”And we are talking Seren, i am listening to you,” i whispered to her face. I did not know why i acted so rude to her, i could not help it. I was just shocked to see her, i was caught off guard and i hated this feeling. I heard her grit her teeth as her eyes flashed on my face, ”Here is my number Allois,” she pushed the small paper right into my eyes in annoyance, ”When you have time,” she said and added in heavy sarcasm, ”if you have time of course, call me and we will talk,” she said and nudged my cheek with the paper. I blinked my eye with the pain, a hellcat she was, i ignored the burn in my eye and i took the paper from her fingers with a nod, ”I always have a time for an old friend Seren,” i smirked to her and she gave me a look, a really frustrated look. ”Fine Allois, do whatever you want, i just do not care, i came here for someone else, not for you,” she said angrily and turned on her toes, walking back to the direction where she came from. I took a step behind her and caught her arm, i held her arm as i told her that i was joking. She did not say anything, she did not even look at my face, she just shrugged her arm from my hold and i led her go, again. I stood there for a time with the paper in my hands, not knowing what to say or do…

”If i had known, only if i had know that she was pregnant, things would be different,” i thought with a sigh. I was sixteen and she was only fifteen, we were both to young to know about taking the responsibilities of our acts. Too young to be parents. Yet, she did not think so, she did not see herself as too young and reckless. She was always stubborn, thinking that she could somehow control her life, her fate. She did not control her fate, she could not…They just took her away the next day and i was left alone…without her.